How I Went from Being a Woman against Women’s Ordination to a Woman Seeking Ordination in 25 Difficult Steps: Step 2

Well, I’ve been away a while again. I may finish this before I die. Or not. I’m mainly writing this for 3-5 friends who are terribly interested so I imagine they’ll keep reading and bear with my frequent absence, but for any one else who happens by, here you go.

So, moving on from step 1, which you can read about here, there was still some ‘ground clearing’ in my own soul that needed to happen before I could dig into the issue of women’s ordination, which brings us to:

Step 2. Stop avoiding the questions.  For years, even though I was a woman interested in ministry, I hated talking about women’s ordination. I love theology and I love theological debate and I do not mind a good argument (just ask my husband), so saying that I hated to talk about women’s role in ministry shows that, for me, this topic was scary. I was afraid of it. And I didn’t know how to begin to talk about it.  I was simply afraid of where these questions might lead. First, simply reading some of the harsher Pauline passages (regarding women being silent in church and so forth) at face value, simply hurts. Let’s be honest, most people and especially most women, don’t like these passages. They sting. You don’t see them on refrigerator magnets with little kittens for a reason. These epistles have a bite to them and can cause pain. I knew that to really wrestle with these issues, I had to look into these passages head-on. Because I view the scripture as the authoritative word of God (yes, all of it), I could not simply dismiss these passages as myopic misogeny or a relic of a bygone era from which I was rescued by the 1960’s and 70’s. I had to let them teach me. No matter where that led or how that hurt.
Beyond the apostle Paul, a lot of men (and women) in churches say things that are hurtful when this subject comes up. Paul, at least, spoke with the authority of an apostle and was a great saint. Bring up this topic among regular men and women and all sorts of stupid comments start flying about. That’s fine with me generally (since I like talking theology and God knows I say my own fair share of stupid things) but when men or women who I love and respect thoughtlessly and unintentionally said things in these conversations that carried a bit of venom, it burns.
So to avoid all that hurt, I just went a long time not really thinking, not really questioning, not really wrestling with questions about women’s ordination. I was more or less a women’s ordination agnostic who was simultaneously a woman in ministry, which of course is unsustainable long term.
But it was more than just hurt I feared. I feared becoming a theological liberal. I was worried that if I started investigating the claims of those who supported women’s ordination, I would end up becoming idolatrously obsessed with the sort of liberation/ power-seeking/ individualistic civil rights driven narrative that has come to dominate our culture. It isn’t that I worried I’d read an argument for women’s ordination and the next day become a radical feminist theologian who is replacing the bread and wine with milk and honey as a symbol of female spirituality and fertility (although this has sadly happened to people), but I had watched this issue dominate the thoughts and heart of others around me and lead them right out of orthodoxy and that grieved me beyond words. I’d rather remain unordainable–hell, I’d rather have to cover my head–and still remain faithful to the biblical and historic witness of the church catholic, still be able to honestly recite the Nicene Creed and sing “Holy, Holy, Holy,” and still remain passionately in love with Jesus and robustly orthodox theologically, than be ordained off doing pet blessings somewhere invoking a god that always suited me. So, I was worried about the “slippery slope” that my own heart is capable of. Let’s face it, questioning the church is sexy. It is all the rage really, especially in the types of places I like to hang out. All questioning now is regarded as a good thing, even a brave thing. Be anything you want, but by God, don’t be a sheep. Sheep are naive and stupid and sometimes mean. But I think Christians must affirm that there are more and less faithful ways to question. That questioning, like sex, can be beautiful or ugly, valuable or cheap, holy or unholy, depending on the context and one’s own heart. I know my heart is prone to wander so I worried I’d follow my sexy questions to places that Jesus would never bid me go.
So meeting my faithful, biblical, womens-ordination supporting friends was the first step and then I had to be willing to be hurt and be willing to trust Jesus and my community to help me toward orthodoxy (and orthopraxy) and finally, finally, start looking at the issues of women’s ordination even if, at first, I still hated having to talk about it. I had to be willing to face the fearful questions.

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How I Went from Being a Woman against Women’s Ordination to a Woman Seeking Ordination in 25 Difficult Steps: Step 1

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This is the second post in a series on How I Went from Being a Woman against Women’s Ordination to a Woman Seeking Ordination in 25 Difficult Steps. For all of these posts, if you haven’t read the introductory blog, please do so before you start reading the steps.
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It has been a month since I’ve posted (Jonathan has an explanation of that here), so at this rate I’ll finish up the 25 steps in about 1-2 years. Hopefully, I can pick up the pace. So let’s dive in shall we?
Step 1:  Meet people who have a high view of scripture and are for women’s ordination.  Ask them why.

From birth to age 18, my family and I went to a Southern Baptist church. God snatched me up early as a young girl and I was never the same.  I was drawn to ministry as a teenager and considered it for years, eventually concluding around my senior year of high school that I wanted to, as they say in the Southern Baptist church (and no where else on earth), “surrender my life to full-time vocational service” in the church.   I was a female in a place that didn’t ordain women, so I really had no idea what “vocational ministry” would mean for me. Then, in college, I learned more about grace and ended up becoming “Reformed” and part of a PCA church (a church which still feels a lot like home).  I was in the PCA for around 9 years and on staff at 2 PCA churches, but obviously ordination was out of the question there as well.

I had people around me in both high school and college who had an authoritative view of scripture and believed in women’s ordination, but I never asked them about it. Everyone I knew at my churches, particularly my teachers, were against it. I had read I Timothy 2, so I was pretty convinced that whatever ministry would end up looking like in my life, it did not involve ordination.
After I got married and my husband and I went to seminary, I started to meet a few people who were deeply knowledgeable about, committed to, and seeking obedience to the scriptures and yet, to my surprise, were for women’s ordination.  The first person who I got up the nerve to talk to about it was my friend Chris. I probably talked to him about it because he is gentle and pastoral, so I knew he wouldn’t try to hard-sell me on women’s ordination and because I knew he was very close friends with some PCA folks, so he wouldn’t dismiss me as naïve, stupid, or a supporter of oppression. He wasn’t the sort to participate in theology wars. He wanted to be a pastor, a godly, loving, biblically rooted man, and so I asked him why he thought it was okay to ordain women.  Honestly, I didn’t find his answer very persuasive.  He talked about uncertainty about the interpretation of the few hot-button women’s ordination passages in scripture, but mostly he talked about gifting he’d seen in women and how clearly God had gifted particular women whom he knew for preaching and pastoral care.  However, what struck me most was that he did not speak like a 1970’s era feminist. He did not talk of rights or equality. He talked about gifts and serving the church.
Around the same time, a mentor and dear friend of mine, a sort of “big brother in the faith,” began to ask questions about women’s ordination. He was ordained in the PCA, so asking these questions could potentially cost him a lot and could have even threatened his job as a pastor, but he asked them anyway. We didn’t talk much in this period, but he mentioned to me on the phone once a few books that he was reading about the biblical arguments for women’s ordination and that he found their arguments to be valid.
I soon met several more friends (many of whom are now Anglican) who believed in the truth of the scriptures and also believed that women ought to be able to be ordained. I was intrigued.
I still had no idea if ordaining women was at all a biblical practice, but Chris and my PCA mentor and my seminary friends, were daring me to start asking questions of the scriptures that I had never before asked.